Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
