Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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