I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
