Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
