getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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