Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
