Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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