Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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