New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
