Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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