You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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