i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
