she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
