i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
