the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
