He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
