When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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