Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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