He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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