Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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