I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
