my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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