girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
