i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
there is glitter all over my balls
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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