haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
