I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
