My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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