Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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