i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
That was before I lit my hair on fire
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize