Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She's like a pop up book from hell.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
