I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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