I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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