'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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