I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
