Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
