I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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