What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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