is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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