a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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