Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
