my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize