im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm too high and old for this...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
