He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
