All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
