I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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