you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
