so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
