she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
