my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think I am morally bankrupt
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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