btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
