Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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