why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
