highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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