I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
