I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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