i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
