so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
