So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
