apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
