i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
