There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
